Everything I Know About Sex, I Learned from a John Waters Movie

Forget junior high health class! The king of crude and bizarre comedy, John Waters, is the man who really taught me about sex. His style may make you uncomfortable at first, but by the final scene in any of his movies, you're lettin your hair down and thinkin maybe askin the Fedex guy to join a threesome would be a great idea after all!
When I was 7 years young, I was fortunate enough to watch the movie 'Cry Baby' at a sleepover with one of my girlfriends. That night, the door to my sexual world, which until that point had only been slightly cracked, swung right open with the handle busting a hole in the wall on the other side!
Johnny Depp gave me tingles in all the right spots with his alpha-male swagger and teary eyed vulnerability - just a single tear at a time though..nothing more than absolute necessary to make girl's panties wet. More specifically, a scene (which my mother only managed to censor once out of the two million actual viewings) in which 'Cry Baby' teaches Allison (Amy Locane) how to french kiss, quite explicitly, and cops some tasty feels of Locane's teetons while ravaging her. "Just on the outside of the shirt, okay?" Recalling this scene, even now, makes me hot.

The movie goes on to musically teach us classic lessons like:
-Dress like a slut and get the coolest guy in school
-A girl's "bazooms" are her "weapons"
-There are the good kids and the bad asses, but the gray area in between isn't worth singin about
-A good ol' fashion game of chicken will solve everything

Now, we all have movies that we loved as kids, watched repetitively and maybe still have a ratty vhs copy somewhere, even though you've re-bought it on DVD. 'Cry Baby' was that movie for me.
As time passed, I inhaled John Waters' entire directorial catalog, each movie as perverse and hilarious as the previous. Not to mention informative!

'Pink Flamingos' crossed gross-out lines all over the place with Divine's epic poo-eating scene immersing us head-first into Waters' light-heartedly twisted way of thinking. If you ask anyone under 30 where the term "tea-bagging" came from, they'd say "'Pecker'!" And goodness knows I wouldn't know anything about bears, sploshing, adult infants, upper deckers, feltching or bottoms and tops if it wasn't for 'A Dirty Shame'.

So, my precious perverts, go to Blockbuster tonight, rent a John Waters movie and get ready to spread that mind open, nice and wide.